I Can't Believe It's Not Blogging

The Message is Medium Rare


Jun 13 2002

I am home. A week ago I rented a car, put most of my things in it, and then my center of consciousnes, and then some gasoline, and after that, I began to move quickly through the world. There is something satisfying about smoothly skipping over a landscape, about the changing feel of the place around you, the notion of actually journeying towards a place you have to go.

This is the reason for the change. I went to Southern California seeking work, seeing what I could find out, but above all, to combat the feeling that I wasn't travelling anywhere, that I wasn't moving towards a goal. I wasn't sure how going there was going to help, but I thought about a quote attributed to Buckminster Fuller: "How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else." Doing something was better than nothing, letting my motor rust. I went, but after a few weeks of momentum, found myself seizing up with the same problem.

I learned a few things in Southern California. I learned that the job market is hard right now, and to remember what that is like. I learned a little bit about what problems I can leave behind, and which ones will follow me wherever I go until I change myself. I learned a few things from watching people, like you always can when you're somewhere else, making comparisons and realizing differences.

I ran low on money, and on confidence that the opportunities looking for me and the opportunities I'm seeking were going to meet there. I could have stayed longer, could have collected unemployment and waited and kept looking, but if the best opportunities there had kept thoroughly hidden for 10 weeks against my work and hopes, it seemed unlikely they would show up soon.

The Utah I left was different than the one I drove back to. The one I left was dry and brown with the end of winter. This one is green despite a drought, the height of fine summer weather in the semi-arid mountains, good for thinking, feeling, working or playing. I am different. Some dumped karma, some left behind contacts and relationships and habits that needed to be left behind. I am wondering how to merge time again here with changes made in California, and keep the best of the two.

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